People Do Well If They Can 

If people could do well, they would do well. This simple yet profound truth changes how we see others.
Often, when someone’s behavior frustrates us—be it a child, a partner, or a coworker—we assume they lack motivation or willpower. But decades of neuroscience research reveal otherwise: most people don’t lack the will to behave well; they lack the skills to do so.

Skills like problem-solving, flexibility, and managing frustration are critical for navigating life’s challenges. When someone struggles, it’s not a lack of effort—it’s a gap in their abilities. Think back to how society once viewed dyslexia: children who worked the hardest to read were often labeled lazy or dumb, when in reality, they faced a skill deficit, not a lack of will. Tragically, many kids internalized this misunderstanding, believing they weren’t good enough.

The same dynamic plays out in our relationships today. Whether it’s a child acting out, a partner not meeting our expectations, or a colleague falling short, the immediate reaction is to judge or attempt to "motivate" them. But true change begins when we listen, understand, and support.

Take the story of a young girl who struggled both at home and in school. Her letter read, “My brain is idiotic. I make stupid mistakes. I ruin everything.” Despite her pain, she tried harder than anyone to manage her behavior. She didn’t need judgment or punishment; she needed guidance to develop the skills she lacked.

When we shift our mindset from blame to understanding, we see people differently. Instead of assuming laziness or bad intentions, we ask, “What’s getting in their way?” This approach fosters compassion, connection, and real growth.

Let’s embrace this shift. Let’s understand that people do well if they can. And if they’re not, it’s our job to help them, not judge them. When we know better, we must do better—for our kids, our loved ones, and ourselves.